But it’s a new day and that’s all that matters.

I have to say, I started searching for blogs online to read that were from people more like me. Whether I like it or not (or mean to), I compare myself to others. So when I read these other healthy living blogs that feature thin women who run marathons because they (*gasp*) want to and they eat these seemingly perfect meals with no junk…well, it doesn’t make me feel good about myself.

Because even on a good day, I usually eat at least some kind of junk food (sour cream and onion chips yesterday) and my workout was a 30 minute Walk Away the Pounds DVD. And even that was a stretch.

See, I strive for balance. And in my life, I’m not perfect. Not by any means. If I can manage to make it healthy and ideal about 80% of the time, I figure that’s perfection for me.

So, while I will still read those blogs (because I enjoy them and I get great ideas from them) I will not compare myself to them and I will read some more “real” blogs like me.

And furthermore, I am not always going to list the food I eat. Why? I don’t see the point unless I want to share a great recipe. I would rather focus on my accomplishments as a person rather than to let food define me.

…and then I woke up.

Because in reality – none of that happened. I wanted it to. I went into Saturday focused and strong…and it was downhill from there.

Saturday included chinese food (though I did share with Sean) and falafels.

Sunday included candy and spinach artichoke dip.

As a result, I am up 4 pounds on the scale this morning. Happy Monday to me.

And if that wasn’t enough, I was determined yesterday that I would start getting up at 5am to workout. Yep, didn’t do that either.

I think that if I got up at 5am and LEFT to go to the gym or something, it would be different. I think I could do that because you are already out the house.

But when faced with my warm, cozy bed and snuggling up with my warm, fuzzy pups…well, guess which wins.

I won’t lie. I’m feeling like a failure this morning. It sucks.

And it just reinforces what was said by the author of The End of Overeating – the second you start to waiver on a food choice, you will likely give in. You have to have a firm NO when faced with it. There is no choice.

Although on the bright side today, my new haircut is cute and I like my new outfit. So there is something positive about today. That, and my girl looked adorable heading off to school today in her dress, leggings and boots with her watch and accessories. Such a little fashionista. It makes me smile.

God, I hope she never has to struggle the way that I do. This internal everyday battle just drains the life out of me. I’m tired.

Onto the eats:

Peanut butter and all fruit jelly on whole wheat bread, banana

Vegetarian chili

“Chik’n” patty on a whole grain sandwich thin with mozzarella and marinara sauce – YUM. Tasted like chicken parmesan. How do they make Chik’n taste like chicken? Maybe I don’t want to know. Anyway, it was good and I paired it with edamame and some raw broccoli dipped in hummus.

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Here’s the thing though – I think I need to start planning ahead for my Thursday meals if I’m going to weigh in “officially” on Fridays. I ate WAY TOO MUCH sodium yesterday – about 3500mg. WAY TOO MUCH.

As a result, I can’t get my rings off today, and the scale is up 3 pounds when I know that’s not real weight. So I’m going to limit my sodium today, drink a ton of water and tea and re-do my “official” weigh in tomorrow.

Sometimes I focus so much on the calories/fat that I ignore sodium which is just as important. And while I love vegetarian chili (especially on cold days like today in FL) it is PACKED with sodium. Canned beans, canned tomatoes, chili kit = SALT. Maybe I need to make it with fresh ingredients instead.

Anyway, I’m rambling and not making sense. I’m trying not to make today crappy just because the scale says I’m up a few pounds. I know it can’t be true and I need to just keep focused.

Onto the eats:

Greek yogurt, raisins, granola, banana (what can I say, I was on a kick this week)

Enchilada casserole, two small papusas

Vegetarian chili with cheddar, light sour cream and jalapenos from my garden. I have the leftovers of this today for lunch and I can’t wait. I also had a corn muffin with this.

I don’t really have much to add to this post today. It’s a blustery, rainy and dark day here in the Sunshine State and it puts me in a pensive mood. I’m also trying to be VERY focused on my work today as I did too much goofing off yesterday and now I’m swamped. As if I wasn’t before, right?

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I do have a question (if anyone is out there and wants to reply):

I don’t go to a gym because I work full time and have a child at home. If I didn’t have a toddler, I would be there everyday. This limits what and when I’m able to work out but I would like to get back into lifting weights again. However, when I did that before I was going to a gym and had all the equipment. Now I only have 2, 5 and 10 pound free weights at home.

How do I put together an effective routine?

Yesterday’s menu:

Greek yogurt, raisins, granola, banana

Leftover hunan tofu with veggies and a little fried rice. Also had Sun Chips. Booo. Counted it and moved on.

Best dinner ever: shrimp tacos with chipotle sour cream and roasted okra. SO GOOD.

I actually got the recipe for the shrimp tacos from Just Cook This on Discovery Health and they are now a regular thing in our house. Sean and I love them – plus, it takes all of 15 minutes to prepare and it’s healthy.

Shrimp Tacos

Shrimp – about a pound

Fat free tortillas (the little 6″ ones) of your choice

Canned chipotle peppers in adobo

Light sour cream OR plain greek yogurt (both work well)

Purple cabbage, shredded

Cajun or Southwest spices

Lime wedges – don’t skip this!

Basically, cook the shrimp sprinkled in cajun or southwest spices. You can toast up the tortillas but I was lazy last night and didn’t – it was fine.

Put the chipotle peppers in adobo in the blender or Magic Bullet if you have one. You can chop it too but it’s messy and I find that the chunks just aren’t small enough. Mix the chipotle peppers with sour cream or greek yogurt. Take some advice though from personal experience – start out SMALL with the peppers and taste along the way to make sure the heat is okay for you. I adore spicy food, but last night I made it so hot that I had to drink milk with dinner.

That’s it. You put down a tortilla, put a little of the sour cream/chipotle mixture on it, top with shrimp and shredded cabbage and then squeeze fresh lime on it. Perfection. So simple.

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On another topic, I finished reading The End of Overeating and I really related to everything in that book – I highly recommend it. Some of the beginning is a little arduous to get through, I won’t lie. The author is a doctor (former head of the USDA) so his research is very clinical on brain functioning and the act of eating. It’s fascinating though. I also like how he started this whole project because HE has trouble staying away from food and wanted to better understand why.

This is not a book about dieting or what you should eat. I think that’s another reason why I liked it.

Anyway, one of his insights into overeating and how to stop is to treat your food like an addiction, and in many ways, (for me anyway) it is. Not all food, but trigger foods – which for me is sugar. When I have some, I want more. Always. I can moderate many foods, but sugar is not one of them.

So his suggestion is that of an addict – you can’t just have a little of something, at least not in the beginning. You have to say NO, and it has to be a firm decision. The moment you waver, you will likely choose to eat it. This also serves to reduce anxiety about food because it’s not a choice – you just don’t have it. There is no internal struggle.

You know what? It works. I have not had any sweets at all this week. The hardest part has been at night when I crave them around 8pm, and there’s a whole bucket of Halloween candy in my kitchen. But you know what? I look at it and just say in my head NO. It’s not even a choice. And I walk away.

I hope that someday I will be able to just have a little and not worry about it. Maybe I will. But for now, I’m just saying NO. And I feel good about that.

Anyway, so yesterday went like this:

Greek yogurt mixed with granola and raisins, a banana

Small serving of enchilada casserole, light sour cream and a homemade papusa. YUM.

Hunan tofu and veggies with a little fried rice, veggie spring roll. I was craving Chinese food. I have the leftovers for lunch today and I’m looking forward to it.

I also had hot tea x 5…I’m still not completely over this sinus/throat/ear deal I have going on and I feel soothed by the hot tea. No sugar in it though – just straight up.

My exercise yesterday was chasing Meg around and tracing our bodies on the sidewalk in chalk – then dressing/decorating them. Not really exercise, but it makes my heart and soul happy.

Edited: here’s one -

We had a great time getting together with friends, watching the Bucs game (a win, thankyouverymuch) and then carting around the neighborhood I grew up in with a bunch of 3-5 year olds and a bunch of parents, dragging two wagons with coolers and a radio. We were quite a sight.

I most certainly did NOT have too much wine. Most definitely.

Then again, I wasn’t feeling well still yesterday so I didn’t eat very much + a few glasses of wine = woozy Jenn. I suppose the devil horns I wore were fitting.

There was a nice spread at my friend’s house but I was concerned that there would be no vegetarian food. I needn’t have worried since they had a veggie tray, fruit pirate ship (way cool) and a cheese/cracker tray.

We brought guava paste with cream cheese and cuban crackers (try it sometime – very good!) and I made twice baked stuffed potato skins.

Here’s what I did:

Baked 8 potatoes for an hour at 400 degrees. Wait about 10 minutes after you pull them out of the oven, then cut in half and scoop out the potato guts.

I used a ricer to put the potato through so it would be really smooth and that worked well, but you could also just use a potato masher.

To the potatoes, I added light sour cream, cheddar cheese, queso blanco mexican cheese, salt, pepper, garlic powder, green onion and some milk to thin it all out. Cream cheese would work really nicely too but I was trying to keep it from being a gazillion calories. Bacon would also be good if you eat meat.

Then I put the mixture into a freezer ziploc bag, cut a corner for a tip and piped it back into the empty potato skins. You could just scoop it bake in, but this makes it way easier and faster.

Then I put them in the fridge and before I went to the party, baked for 30 minutes at 35o degrees. They were GONE and I got so many compliments on them.

As for candy, I ate (all mini’s): a PayDay, 2 Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, a Butterfinger…wow, I think that’s it. Sounds like a lot, but that’s not very much for a fiend like me. Now I am staying away from it to rid my body of all the processed sugar.

And now, back to the business of losing weight.

But I’m not looking like a movie star, that’s for certain. Hair is in a messy ponytail, wearing jeans and an old work t-shirt with my birkenstocks. Comfy.

I walk into Meghan’s school this morning. She brought in cheese for the Halloween party today. We even got her the kind that come in cool shapes. She was all excited and insisted on carrying it into the classroom to hand to her teacher.

So we go into her classroom and she hands the teacher her cheese. Another one of her little friends is there with her mom, also dropping off their goodies. She made apples in the shape of bats with raisin eyes and marshmallow features, etc.

She looks me up and down. I let out a half-hearted, “Hey” to which she stares at me in the eye and says nothing. She looks good. I’d say she’s lost a good 30 pounds since the last time I’ve seen her. She’s wearing a trendy dress that looks good on her newly toned body and cute sandals to go with it. Her hair is trendy and you can tell she gets haircuts and highlights on a regular basis.

And then there’s me. Meg’s teacher takes one look at me and utters in disbelief, “You are sick AGAIN?”, as though I come in weekly with the plague or something.

I picked up my girl and hugged her so tightly. Partly because she’s my girl and I love her more than anything in this world, but also because I didn’t want to let go. I didn’t want her to see how sad I was and that I was comparing myself to this very together woman. I didn’t want to let go because I want her to stay innocent for as long as possible and not feel the way that I did at that moment. Inadequate. Defeated. Sucky. Pretty much sums it up.

I know that we can’t compare ourselves to other people. I’ve been sick, running a fever and out of work all week because of it. Just the fact that I remembered to pick up her cheese was an accomplishment this week. As was getting out of bed this morning and dragging my tired bones to work. Which I did.

Way to kick me when I’m down.

But the silver lining? I weighed in at 186.2 this week. So down only 4 ounces, but I’m actually proud of that given I haven’t tracked my food, ate only what sounded good because I don’t feel well and I did nothing but sleep and watch re-runs of America’s Next Top Model and Police Women of Memphis. Talk about two worlds…

Anyway, I don’t know where I’m going with this other than I just needed to get it out.

I have decided that one of the reasons I eat to comfort myself is to numb emotions that I don’t want to feel. I push them down with food. Not today. Today, I will just allow myself to feel the strong emotions that I felt and then move on. Food will not help.

It’s a small step, but a step nonetheless.

I think about it constantly and almost always give in. When  I don’t, I feel bad, anxious.

I hestitate to write about these things on my blog. I want to be reflected as a person who is strong and in charge, but the truth is that food is my weakness.

I come from a family of many addictions and addictive behavior, unfortunately. Thankfully my addiction is food and nothing more serious that is chemically addictive, but I struggle and fight every day against my enemy.

In some ways, I think it would be easier to be addicted to a substance. That sounds even more ridiculous written down than in my head, but I have reasoning. See, an addict has to stay away from their drug. Totally stay away. Don’t be around it, don’t be associated with people who do it, etc.

But I can’t escape food. It’s everywhere and you have to eat. You can’t survive without it. And I don’t think I would want to. I love food.

The problem with that is I feel like it takes over my life and has the power to control me. And in ways, that makes me sad and feels defeating. How can I let an inanimate substance, an object, particles of nothing more than sustainance control me? It’s humiliating.

I am okay admitting that I went to a meeting at Overeater’s Anonymous last year. I won’t elaborate on it to protect the meeting place, people and ideals, but I will say that it just wasn’t for me. I think it has its place and I know it has saved many people from harming themselves with food and obesity, but it just wasn’t for me. It’s a very personal thing.

I feel like I’ve done everything I can: meditation, therapy, every diet known to man, over exercising to compensate, meetings, you name it. I’ve tried it.

I think that at 30 it’s time for me to admit to myself that this is my demon and it always will be. But what to do about it?

I know I’m not the only one who struggles with this.

I just finished reading The End of Overeating and I identified with everything in that book. Oh my gosh, I felt like I was reading about myself. For once, it felt good to know that I’m not the only one alone out there who is like this. I don’t have an eating disorder – in many ways, if I did, this would be easier.

But being obsessed with food and unable to control the way you eat all the time is not a disorder. Not by psychological standards. So every therapist I’ve been to doesn’t really know what to do with it. And if you don’t understand the power it has over me and my thoughts, you can’t begin to “treat” it. I even had one person just ask me why I don’t have some willpower and be done with it.

Um. If I had “willpower”, this wouldn’t even be an issue. Moron.

Anyway, this book suggests ways to re-think about food and change the way you frame it in your mind. It seems reasonable but it’s not easy and it’s not going to be easy. In fact, just thinking about cutting out sugar (which is my major downfall) has made me go on a major binge in the last two days: ice cream, chocolate, sonic blasts, snickers, 3 musketeers, etc. Yep, just the THOUGHT of not eating these things, makes me eat them beyond control already.

I need help.

My poor girl has been running a fever all weekend (though you wouldn’t know it with the way she’s bouncing off the walls) and the doctor declared she has an ear infection and a bad sinus infection this morning.

So I’m at work while the hubs is home and I wish I was cuddled up in bed napping with my family right now since I feel like crap too.

But alas, it’s not meant to be. At least not today.

Onto the eats -

My weekend was actually pretty decent considering that none of us were feeling well.

I made a quiche out of eggs, broccoli and cheddar that we ate off of all weekend and we ordered in Chinese food on Saturday night but I just wasn’t feeling it.

Yesterday featured a veggie sandwich with hummus, avocado, sprouts, tomato, spinach, onion and lettuce. YUM.

For dinner, I made the following and it turned out delish. It’s inspired from a recipe I saw Giada De Laurentiis make on Everyday Italian yesterday:

Smashed Pea Pasta

1 lb. whole wheat fettucine noodles

1 package frozen peas, thawed

a bunch of fresh broccoli

1 cup part skim ricotta

1/2 cup parmesan cheese

3 garlic cloves

salt

pepper

fennel seeds**

Boil noodles in salted water. Towards the end of  cooking, throw in some fresh broccoli to cook to al dente.

While that’s going on, saute some crushed garlic cloves in a bit of extra virgin olive oil and add peas. Using back of your spoon, smash them. Good for aggression. Don’t smash them all though – leave some whole for texture.

Put broccoli and cooked pasta into your pea mixture. Dump in the ricotta, fennel seeds, parmesan, salt and pepper. Use two ladels of the pasta cooking liquid to thin out the sauce.

EAT. YUM.

**Note: I added fennel seeds because her recipe used sausage and I don’t eat meat. But sausage usually has fennel and I thought this lended nice flavor that might have otherwise been missing.

I can’t wait to have the leftovers for lunch today!