Struggling

I find myself wondering what I want this blog to be and how much of myself I want to put out there.

I read other blogs and want to be like them, but I’m not. I’m me.

And it’s not always pretty. And it’s not always easy. They make it seem so easy and natural.

I feel like you can really tell the people who have struggled with their weight by the size of the struggle.

And my struggle is big. Just like me.

I want to not care about food. I want it to have no power over me.

I want to be like the people in these other blogs, who run miles and miles and are active by choice because they like it and not because they have to. I want to be able to have a bag of peanut butter m&m’s in my house and not eat the whole bag. All at once. Then feel sick and angry at myself after.

I want to choose an apple to snack over the choice of chips. I want to cut out all processed foods and sugars and not feel like I’m missing out on something.

I want to stick to a plan for once in my life and really be okay with it. I want to not struggle with every meal, every bite, every step and wonder if it’s ever just going to come to me naturally.

I want to not feel trapped in the prison of my body and the weight of my chest and be free.

I want my daughter not to see this struggle and I want her to never, ever have to deal with it herself.

I’m so tired. Tired of the fight, tired of the struggle, tired of the power that food has over me.

I just want OUT.

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