Power

Food is a powerful thing to me.

I think about it constantly and almost always give in. When  I don’t, I feel bad, anxious.

I hestitate to write about these things on my blog. I want to be reflected as a person who is strong and in charge, but the truth is that food is my weakness.

I come from a family of many addictions and addictive behavior, unfortunately. Thankfully my addiction is food and nothing more serious that is chemically addictive, but I struggle and fight every day against my enemy.

In some ways, I think it would be easier to be addicted to a substance. That sounds even more ridiculous written down than in my head, but I have reasoning. See, an addict has to stay away from their drug. Totally stay away. Don’t be around it, don’t be associated with people who do it, etc.

But I can’t escape food. It’s everywhere and you have to eat. You can’t survive without it. And I don’t think I would want to. I love food.

The problem with that is I feel like it takes over my life and has the power to control me. And in ways, that makes me sad and feels defeating. How can I let an inanimate substance, an object, particles of nothing more than sustainance control me? It’s humiliating.

I am okay admitting that I went to a meeting at Overeater’s Anonymous last year. I won’t elaborate on it to protect the meeting place, people and ideals, but I will say that it just wasn’t for me. I think it has its place and I know it has saved many people from harming themselves with food and obesity, but it just wasn’t for me. It’s a very personal thing.

I feel like I’ve done everything I can: meditation, therapy, every diet known to man, over exercising to compensate, meetings, you name it. I’ve tried it.

I think that at 30 it’s time for me to admit to myself that this is my demon and it always will be. But what to do about it?

I know I’m not the only one who struggles with this.

I just finished reading The End of Overeating and I identified with everything in that book. Oh my gosh, I felt like I was reading about myself. For once, it felt good to know that I’m not the only one alone out there who is like this. I don’t have an eating disorder – in many ways, if I did, this would be easier.

But being obsessed with food and unable to control the way you eat all the time is not a disorder. Not by psychological standards. So every therapist I’ve been to doesn’t really know what to do with it. And if you don’t understand the power it has over me and my thoughts, you can’t begin to “treat” it. I even had one person just ask me why I don’t have some willpower and be done with it.

Um. If I had “willpower”, this wouldn’t even be an issue. Moron.

Anyway, this book suggests ways to re-think about food and change the way you frame it in your mind. It seems reasonable but it’s not easy and it’s not going to be easy. In fact, just thinking about cutting out sugar (which is my major downfall) has made me go on a major binge in the last two days: ice cream, chocolate, sonic blasts, snickers, 3 musketeers, etc. Yep, just the THOUGHT of not eating these things, makes me eat them beyond control already.

I need help.

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