10.29.10

So here I am. Sick as a dog. Okay, I’m exaggerating. I was worse earlier in the week. But I digress.

But I’m not looking like a movie star, that’s for certain. Hair is in a messy ponytail, wearing jeans and an old work t-shirt with my birkenstocks. Comfy.

I walk into Meghan’s school this morning. She brought in cheese for the Halloween party today. We even got her the kind that come in cool shapes. She was all excited and insisted on carrying it into the classroom to hand to her teacher.

So we go into her classroom and she hands the teacher her cheese. Another one of her little friends is there with her mom, also dropping off their goodies. She made apples in the shape of bats with raisin eyes and marshmallow features, etc.

She looks me up and down. I let out a half-hearted, “Hey” to which she stares at me in the eye and says nothing. She looks good. I’d say she’s lost a good 30 pounds since the last time I’ve seen her. She’s wearing a trendy dress that looks good on her newly toned body and cute sandals to go with it. Her hair is trendy and you can tell she gets haircuts and highlights on a regular basis.

And then there’s me. Meg’s teacher takes one look at me and utters in disbelief, “You are sick AGAIN?”, as though I come in weekly with the plague or something.

I picked up my girl and hugged her so tightly. Partly because she’s my girl and I love her more than anything in this world, but also because I didn’t want to let go. I didn’t want her to see how sad I was and that I was comparing myself to this very together woman. I didn’t want to let go because I want her to stay innocent for as long as possible and not feel the way that I did at that moment. Inadequate. Defeated. Sucky. Pretty much sums it up.

I know that we can’t compare ourselves to other people. I’ve been sick, running a fever and out of work all week because of it. Just the fact that I remembered to pick up her cheese was an accomplishment this week. As was getting out of bed this morning and dragging my tired bones to work. Which I did.

Way to kick me when I’m down.

But the silver lining? I weighed in at 186.2 this week. So down only 4 ounces, but I’m actually proud of that given I haven’t tracked my food, ate only what sounded good because I don’t feel well and I did nothing but sleep and watch re-runs of America’s Next Top Model and Police Women of Memphis. Talk about two worlds…

Anyway, I don’t know where I’m going with this other than I just needed to get it out.

I have decided that one of the reasons I eat to comfort myself is to numb emotions that I don’t want to feel. I push them down with food. Not today. Today, I will just allow myself to feel the strong emotions that I felt and then move on. Food will not help.

It’s a small step, but a step nonetheless.

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